Wedding Pictures

We're frozen in green and silver.
My middle brother stands in the center, black tux, green vest,
His constant scowl absent, replaced by wide smile,
His eyes fixed on his new wife, off-camera, stunning.

On his right stands my sister, silver dress, hair pulled back,
Her eyes watching her children as they run wild,
Off-camera with Gramma and Granddad.

On the groom's other side, our oldest brother has his
Arms crossed across his chest, half-smile,
His green shirt and silver tie identical to mine.

I stand farthest from the groom, on the other side of our brother.
Towering over the family, tight pants and crooked glasses.
My eyes fixed on the camera, smile almost real.

Each of them has a family outside this picture.
Husbands, wives, sons, and daughters.

The picture can't depict the jealousy.
As we stand in our wedding clothes,
It's easy to fake a smile, force a laugh.

I try and picture my own wedding.
Two tuxes, two grooms, two unhappy families.
Two mothers with broken hearts.

This is the last wedding where their smiles will be real.
The last wedding with the white dress.
The last wedding inside this church.

We're all aware, and we stand happy to be together.
The picture captures that, and the moment looks flawless.
But there is fear waiting just outside the frame.

Random Lessons I Have Learned Lately

There's a lot that I want to say, but my mind is spinning though a thousand subjects at once so I'm gonna brain-dump on this entry.

• If the moment is perfect, than take the leap. If you find yourself slow dancing in the moonlight with an incredible human, to the perfect song, with your foreheads mashed together, just kiss.  Just do it.
• Learn to forgive. Learn to apologize.  Often times you'll have to do both at the same time, so just learn to do both.
• First impressions are often wrong.  That douchy frat-bro is actually really funny, and we're friends now... I was wrong.
• Ask for what you want.  If you want to go dancing, ask to go dancing.  If you want to watch your favorite movie with one of your favorite people, ask to do that. There's no harm in asking.
• Conversely, respect when people say no.  Your friend doesn't want to audition with you for that musical.  Then respect that, and don't push her.
• Look for the good in other people, and then TELL them what you see that you like.  If his smile makes you happy every time you see it, tell him. 
• Don't be afraid to do the unfamiliar.  My best friend and I went to a Presbyterian church this Sunday, and we loved it, and the people were incredibly nice.  It was a first for both of us, but we loved it.
• Be honest with your friends.  When you end up at a dinner with that one friend who knows everything about you, and a bunch of strangers, you and your friend can talk about how cute one of the guys was after the dinner.
• Spend time reaching out to people you love.  Everyone needs to know that they are valued, so why not be someone who helps other people realize that.
• I have the greatest family. They were nice, a little guarded, but overall nice when I brought home a guy to Easter dinner.  I was pleased and impressed by them.
• Be willing to hear what your friends have to say when a relationship is starting, and listen to them. Most of the time they've got your best interest at heart, without the hormones going.  They'll tell you if what they see is good and bad.  I've heard both now.

General Conference

I might not be the best voice for General Conference, and yet I feel like there are a few notes about Conference on this blog. Oh, and before I start those notes, let me just explain what General Conference is, and if you already know, just move on.  General Conference is a church-wide gathering for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  There are five two hour sessions broadcast across the world where the leaders of the church expound on the doctrine of the church and encourage the members across the world to endure.
The first thing I want to say about conference is that if anyone didn't know about the church's stance on marriage, they would have understood it by the end of the first talk on marriage.  By the time we reached the seventh one I personally felt like the point had been beaten much like the famed dead horse. (Oh, and in case you did miss the first, or the second, or the seventh talk on marriage, the church's stance is that it's between a man and woman).
Second, and much less sarcastic, as much as I have issues with some things in the church, I felt like the people who went to conference to vote opposed to the prophet were kind of rude.  I believe entirely that members of the church should have the freedom to state what they believe and feel.  But I also believe that there's a time and place to state beliefs, and there's also a need to be respectful when doing exactly that.  Conference is not the place. There are a lot of LDS individuals who look forward to that experience for comfort and peace, because being LDS is hard, and it's nice to have an assurance that you're not alone.  Going into a conference with the purpose of contradicting is rude.  Please don't do that.
Third, there are still some aspects I majorly love.  I loved the focus on the Savior on Sunday.  I was really happy that Easter and conference coincided so that there was more of a focus on Jesus Christ during the Sunday sessions.
Forth, my family rocks.  I mean, we're a family, so there's definitely negative things about us as well, but I just enjoy spending conference weekend with my parents.  My mom seems more calm, my dad values the time we go to Priesthood Session (Saturday evening session, specifically for the men) together, and I enjoy getting to watch my parents enjoy something that they value so deeply.  It makes them more human, and the more human things become the more I love them.

Awakening

Yesterday, while I was at work, I decided that  I wanted to listen to the talks given in the women's session of General Conference.  It was one of the strangest experiences I've ever had with General Conference.  From the point of middle school up until last October I have always looked forward to General Conference for guidance and spiritual reassurance, and I've never been disappointed.

Before I go further, let me just explain that General Conference is a world-wide broadcast for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  It happens twice a year, once in October and once in April.  The leaders of the church spend months preparing speeches that they feel will be relevant and comforting to the members of the church throughout the world.  

Anywho, while I was listening to the women's session there were a lot of talks focused on the LDS church's definition of the family, you know the whole mom + dad + 4 to 12 children.  I've heard this before, but I while listening, I realized that I  was actually disagreeing with things I was hearing, which I knew was a thing, but I had never realized this while listening to Conference.  

I honestly don't know why this moment was such a big deal to me, because I've known for a while that I don't agree with all of the LDS doctrine, but in that moment as I was listening to it in a setting that had always been a source of comfort, it was more real that I have major differences in opinion with the church.

Not Alone (Round 2)

One of the biggest reasons I want to blog about being a gay Mormon is because in my experience it can feel extremely isolated and lonely.  A part of me wishes that I could just reach through my computer screen and hug all of my fellow gay Mormons, and tell them it's going to be okay.  But then I realize that I am really introverted, and I don't actually know you, and as much as I want to comfort you, I don't know you, so it might be weird to just hug you... So, the next best thing is just to tell you with words that you aren't alone.
One of my best friends (who also happens to be a gay Mormon) told me about how much he struggled shortly after his mission, and how this video helped him at that point.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ym0jXg-hKCI
I know that I've already made a blog post about how if you're a gay Mormon, you aren't alone, but I wanted to repeat that point. You are not alone.

Marriage

                “So, do you think we should break up?” I don’t want to say the words, but they slip out of my mouth anyway.

                “I just don’t see myself getting married,” he says.  “I used to, but I gave that dream up.”

                “Why?” I know I sound desperate.  I am.

                “I just don’t think I need it to be happy.”

***

                My parents aren’t exactly what you would call happy.  My dad has a porn addiction.  He’s been working on it their entire marriage, but every single time he slips up, my mom takes it personally and goes into her downward spiral of self-blame and depression.  I didn’t know any of this until my sister told me a couple months after my mission, but it’s happened about four times a year since they were married.  She didn’t know until after the temple sealing was done. 

                It’s not just the porn addiction either.  They see the world in totally different ways.  When my mom found out I was gay she took it upon herself to ‘fix’ me.  It was her job to talk it out and to somehow convince me that I wanted to be Mormon more than I wanted to be gay.  When my dad found out, he told me he would love me no matter what, and hugged me.  My mom blames him, because he’s ‘encouraging’ me to be gay.

                It’s not that I want my parents to get divorced.  I love having parents that are together, it makes things less complicated.  I don’t want step-siblings or step-parents.  I don’t want to have to choose which parent to visit; I don’t want to have to have awkward moments at my future wedding.  I’ll admit that’s selfish, but they can be happy sometimes

***

                “I’m getting so tired of kissing Gary,” my sister says.

                She and I are alone in my car on a weekend road trip.  Both of us just need to get the hell out of Cache Valley. 

                “Why?” I ask.

                “After ten years of marriage, it just feels expected,” she replies.  “I miss when it was romantic.”

***

                I shouldn’t want to get married.  All I hear about it is that it takes so much work.  I’ve watched my sister and her husband from the point where they were that newlywed couple, who you were embarrassed to be seen with in public, to the point where some days I wonder if they’ll make it.  I’m pretty sure he cheated on her a few years ago.  It’s never really been said directly, but my mom has only now started to like him again, and I remember the summer when my sister wouldn’t even talk to her husband, because he had hurt her so deeply.

                Between my sister’s marriage and my parents’ marriage, I’m pretty terrified that Andersons are not meant to get married.

                I can’t get over it though.  I know it takes work, I know sometimes even with work the marriage itself just doesn’t work.  I get it; I understand why I’m supposed to be cynical and anti-marriage.  I know why I’m supposed to love my life as a bachelor.  But I can’t.  I try, and I’ll admit that I have a damn good life as the single man that I am.

                But I imagine waking up next to a man that I love, ever single morning.  I imagine having someone who is my go to when the world falls down around me.  I imagine being able to fall into his arms, and remember that no matter what I have him.  I imagine being that pillar for someone else, being able to hold him in my arms, to wipe away his tears.  I imagine raising children together, and making a thousand mistakes along the way, but having someone there to help me be a better dad than I could be alone.

                Maybe Andersons aren’t meant to get married. But then again, maybe we’re just stubborn enough that we are.  

Defining Moment

I woke up every morning of my freshman year of college hating myself.  This habit continued for two years.  Every morning I woke up and realized that my life would be nothing like the fairy tale that I felt like I had been promised. I was never going to have the temple wedding that I was supposed to be aiming for.  I would eventually end up telling my parents that I was gay, and I would have to see the heartbreak splattered across their faces.

I remember rolling out of bed on my mission one morning and realizing that no matter how hard I tried I was going to end up failing, and I wanted to give up.  I knelt and tried anyway, and I began to pray, but the words just wouldn't come.  I tried to pray for the people I was teaching, for my family, for anyone else besides me. I tried to pray for the people who deserved blessings, rather than the monster that was just pretending like he belonged in California teaching others about God.  

But the words couldn't come.  All of my words were drowned in the ocean of self-hate that I had spent the past two years filling.  I was here teaching strangers that God loved them, and I really felt it for them.  But on that day I realized how jealous I was of them and the love that God had for them.  

I don't know how I got up the courage to ask the question, but after a few minutes of just kneeling, struggling to think of anything to say to God, I asked it.

"Do you love me?"

I felt it.  That feeling that Mormons are always trying to describe. It always sounds too good to be true when they describe it.  Some of them will say warmth. Others describe it as chills.  About eighty percent of them will start crying when they describe it.  The other twenty percent just get that dreamy far off look as they try to describe how how they feel.  

It was security.  I wasn't ever safe in my own hands, and suddenly I felt like I had been taken away from myself and placed in the hands of someone who would soothe me.  I felt that despite the fact that I was gay I was loved and worth protecting.

Suddenly I became one of those Mormons that tried to describe that feeling, and all I could do was repeat the maddening cliches.  

I'm not saying that this happens for everyone.  I don't know why it happened for me.  All I can really say about it is that there was this weird assurance that I didn't need to hate myself anymore.  I didn't know where my life was going still, and I was not attracted to the next girl I saw, or the one after, or any of the other thousands of females I have seen since this moment.  But in that moment I caught a glimpse of what self-love felt like.

The hatred didn't just disappear forever.  It always creeps back, but I have this moment that I remember of pure complete love consuming me, and it's what I cling too when I'm almost drowned in self-hatred.  I know what it feels like to love myself, and it's a flawless feeling.