Wedding Pictures

We're frozen in green and silver.
My middle brother stands in the center, black tux, green vest,
His constant scowl absent, replaced by wide smile,
His eyes fixed on his new wife, off-camera, stunning.

On his right stands my sister, silver dress, hair pulled back,
Her eyes watching her children as they run wild,
Off-camera with Gramma and Granddad.

On the groom's other side, our oldest brother has his
Arms crossed across his chest, half-smile,
His green shirt and silver tie identical to mine.

I stand farthest from the groom, on the other side of our brother.
Towering over the family, tight pants and crooked glasses.
My eyes fixed on the camera, smile almost real.

Each of them has a family outside this picture.
Husbands, wives, sons, and daughters.

The picture can't depict the jealousy.
As we stand in our wedding clothes,
It's easy to fake a smile, force a laugh.

I try and picture my own wedding.
Two tuxes, two grooms, two unhappy families.
Two mothers with broken hearts.

This is the last wedding where their smiles will be real.
The last wedding with the white dress.
The last wedding inside this church.

We're all aware, and we stand happy to be together.
The picture captures that, and the moment looks flawless.
But there is fear waiting just outside the frame.

Random Lessons I Have Learned Lately

There's a lot that I want to say, but my mind is spinning though a thousand subjects at once so I'm gonna brain-dump on this entry.

• If the moment is perfect, than take the leap. If you find yourself slow dancing in the moonlight with an incredible human, to the perfect song, with your foreheads mashed together, just kiss.  Just do it.
• Learn to forgive. Learn to apologize.  Often times you'll have to do both at the same time, so just learn to do both.
• First impressions are often wrong.  That douchy frat-bro is actually really funny, and we're friends now... I was wrong.
• Ask for what you want.  If you want to go dancing, ask to go dancing.  If you want to watch your favorite movie with one of your favorite people, ask to do that. There's no harm in asking.
• Conversely, respect when people say no.  Your friend doesn't want to audition with you for that musical.  Then respect that, and don't push her.
• Look for the good in other people, and then TELL them what you see that you like.  If his smile makes you happy every time you see it, tell him. 
• Don't be afraid to do the unfamiliar.  My best friend and I went to a Presbyterian church this Sunday, and we loved it, and the people were incredibly nice.  It was a first for both of us, but we loved it.
• Be honest with your friends.  When you end up at a dinner with that one friend who knows everything about you, and a bunch of strangers, you and your friend can talk about how cute one of the guys was after the dinner.
• Spend time reaching out to people you love.  Everyone needs to know that they are valued, so why not be someone who helps other people realize that.
• I have the greatest family. They were nice, a little guarded, but overall nice when I brought home a guy to Easter dinner.  I was pleased and impressed by them.
• Be willing to hear what your friends have to say when a relationship is starting, and listen to them. Most of the time they've got your best interest at heart, without the hormones going.  They'll tell you if what they see is good and bad.  I've heard both now.

General Conference

I might not be the best voice for General Conference, and yet I feel like there are a few notes about Conference on this blog. Oh, and before I start those notes, let me just explain what General Conference is, and if you already know, just move on.  General Conference is a church-wide gathering for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  There are five two hour sessions broadcast across the world where the leaders of the church expound on the doctrine of the church and encourage the members across the world to endure.
The first thing I want to say about conference is that if anyone didn't know about the church's stance on marriage, they would have understood it by the end of the first talk on marriage.  By the time we reached the seventh one I personally felt like the point had been beaten much like the famed dead horse. (Oh, and in case you did miss the first, or the second, or the seventh talk on marriage, the church's stance is that it's between a man and woman).
Second, and much less sarcastic, as much as I have issues with some things in the church, I felt like the people who went to conference to vote opposed to the prophet were kind of rude.  I believe entirely that members of the church should have the freedom to state what they believe and feel.  But I also believe that there's a time and place to state beliefs, and there's also a need to be respectful when doing exactly that.  Conference is not the place. There are a lot of LDS individuals who look forward to that experience for comfort and peace, because being LDS is hard, and it's nice to have an assurance that you're not alone.  Going into a conference with the purpose of contradicting is rude.  Please don't do that.
Third, there are still some aspects I majorly love.  I loved the focus on the Savior on Sunday.  I was really happy that Easter and conference coincided so that there was more of a focus on Jesus Christ during the Sunday sessions.
Forth, my family rocks.  I mean, we're a family, so there's definitely negative things about us as well, but I just enjoy spending conference weekend with my parents.  My mom seems more calm, my dad values the time we go to Priesthood Session (Saturday evening session, specifically for the men) together, and I enjoy getting to watch my parents enjoy something that they value so deeply.  It makes them more human, and the more human things become the more I love them.

Awakening

Yesterday, while I was at work, I decided that  I wanted to listen to the talks given in the women's session of General Conference.  It was one of the strangest experiences I've ever had with General Conference.  From the point of middle school up until last October I have always looked forward to General Conference for guidance and spiritual reassurance, and I've never been disappointed.

Before I go further, let me just explain that General Conference is a world-wide broadcast for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  It happens twice a year, once in October and once in April.  The leaders of the church spend months preparing speeches that they feel will be relevant and comforting to the members of the church throughout the world.  

Anywho, while I was listening to the women's session there were a lot of talks focused on the LDS church's definition of the family, you know the whole mom + dad + 4 to 12 children.  I've heard this before, but I while listening, I realized that I  was actually disagreeing with things I was hearing, which I knew was a thing, but I had never realized this while listening to Conference.  

I honestly don't know why this moment was such a big deal to me, because I've known for a while that I don't agree with all of the LDS doctrine, but in that moment as I was listening to it in a setting that had always been a source of comfort, it was more real that I have major differences in opinion with the church.