Oh Honey... I'm Gay

My mom wasn't shocked when I told her I was gay.  That doesn't mean that she didn't try and argue to prove that I wasn't gay, but she wasn't surprised.  Her number one argument was this, "But Shaun, there are so many girls who are in love with you."

This was a valid response.  I was quite popular with the ladies in middle school... and high school... and college... and basically throughout my entire life. One of the unfortunate side effects of being in the closet is that some people don't have exceptional gaydar, so they're blissfully unaware of the fact that their feminine charms are rather ineffective.

Here's the thing, I'm a nice guy.  At least, I like to think I am.  I can listen pretty well, and I try to be as loyal as people will let me be.  I like to think that I'm the perfect GBF. I'll gossip, I'll watch the chick flicks, and get just as into them as any female.  My problem is, when it comes to people I meet at church, I "forget" to mention the tiny little fact that I'm gay.  It's not like it's something that you want to bring up in the first conversation with everyone you ever meet.

Friendly girl at church: "Hi, my name is Tabitha,"

Me: "Oh hi, I'm gay... Oh, I mean Shaun."

See, it just doesn't work.  My problem, is I go to church to worship God. I'm not on the prowl to find a wife. I'm literally never on the prowl for a wife.  Girl's sense this and get excited, because I'm not one of those guys.  I don't feel the need to reference missionary leadership positions I held or use any other cheap ploy to attract a mate, because most LDS wards don't have a lot of gay men who are going to church and looking for a partner.  It just doesn't work that way...

Anyway, all I'm trying to say is that sometimes I'm a jerk, and I accidentally lead people on. Sorry ladies.

Lessons Learned

Background: Had my first real break-up. I feel like anything I write will be cliche, and won't actually adequately express anything. So instead I wanted to write a list of things I learned.

*It's okay to feel what you feel.  It sounds cliche (this is awkward, because I wanted to avoid cliche) and after-school-specialy (I made that word up), but it's true.  Understand that what you feel is valid.

*Some writing isn't meant for other humans to read.  Write it anyway.  Put it on the page, and give yourself the chance to see your soul.

*Love can hurt like hell.  It smarts, it stings, it bites, it gnaws away at you, but somehow it's worth it.

*Don't lose yourself in the discovery of someone to love.  Have your own life, have your own space, be a complete human.

*If it hurts, it's because it mattered.  He was my first kiss, he was the first person I saw a real future with.  It hurts.  

*Don't let the fear of getting hurt keep you away from something that you believe will make you happy. Yeah, I hurt, but I wouldn't trade away the time that we had together.

*Communication is so important. That's all.

*Surround yourself with good people.  Sometimes we forget that life is beautiful, but good friends can bring that beauty back.

A Good Bishop

I want to spend some time talking about my ward (that's my local congregation).  I need to start by saying a couple of things.  First, I am incredibly lucky to be in this ward.  Second, I can't accurately describe it, but I'm going to try.  The reason I want to explain it, is just because I feel like there are some really good things going on this ward, and I hope people can learn from it.

My ward has a large number of people who are pretty understanding about homosexuality.  When our bishop was first called to our ward I was the first person to approach him and talk about my sexual identity.  He took it under his wing, and gave me all sorts of counsel that he felt like would help me 'fix' the issue.  Although that bothered me, there was never judgment, just encouragement, and when I decided to stop going to church the entirety of fall semester, he never chased me down, he just gave me my space, and trusted me to make decisions for myself.  I'm thankful for that.  

I think one thing that's helped him figure things out is that there are a total of eleven gay men in my ward.  You read that right, there are eleven of us.  After I went to him, and then dropped off the face of the earth, he got the chance to try to help a parade of gay men following me.  I kind of feel sorry for the guy, but I feel like if anything will change it will come as more of us band together and speak out about homosexuality.  

That wasn't a super deep description of the ward, but I'll probably describe how different people have responded in later blog posts.

In summary, I wanted to make a list of things that my bishop did that helped me personally.  He gave me the chance to talk about the issue, and offered to help in whatever way he could. There was no judgment when I said that I was gay, there was no heavy sigh, no wide-eyed look of shock, he just took it.  I appreciated that.  He asked questions. He wanted to know where I stood, what I believed, why I believed what I believed, and how he could help me.  The fact that he spent time being genuinely interested in me, my mind, and my heart, helped me develop a trust in him as a bishop.

The second major thing that he did was leave me alone.  When I decided to stop coming to church, he didn't show up at my house to talk it out.  He never sent the Elders' Quorum President after me.  I was never a referral that he handed out to the missionaries.  I was never assigned the power combo hometeachers. I was left alone, and I appreciate that, because any push to get me back to church would have pushed me further away from the church.  This needed to be my own journey, and he was smart enough to leave it to me to take that journey alone.  

Not Alone.

I've been reflecting a lot lately on my path as a gay Mormon, and I've realized that I need to address something.  The biggest thing that has brought me peace and helped me accept and love who I am is an assurance that I am not alone.  There are other people out there who have similar struggles, feelings, and ideas.
I don't want to sound preachy, or cliche, or anything like that, I just want anyone who reads this who might be in a similar position to know that you are not alone.  All of us have our own very personal experiences, that no one else can really understand.  However, even while I say that, there are some very real feelings that come when someone has to come to terms with being gay and being Mormon.  There's this feeling of self-loathing that comes, because you're whole life you've been taught that homosexuality is an abomination, and as hard as you try, it doesn't go away.  There's a feeling of isolation, because you have to watch everyone around you focus on marriage and family-rearing, and you realize that that might not ever be an option for you.  There's constant fear, because sometimes people will turn their backs on you, and that hurts.  There's loneliness, because there's the dream of having a real love in your life, but a fear that it will never actually happen.
Know that you aren't alone.  It might seem like it right now, but hold on, because there is an army of us, and we are in this together.

Here are some resources that could help:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/35272941983/ - This is a facebook group called Affirmation.  It's for people in the LGBT community who have varying relationships with the LDS church.  You have to request to become a member, but the people here are accepting of everyone, no matter how firmly you might be trying to be Mormon.
https://www.facebook.com/groups/NorthStarMembership/ - This is a facebook group called North Star.  It's a lot more of the LDS route.  They encourage their members to stay celibate or work toward marrying a woman.  You also have to request to become a member of the group here, and they have a list of rules that they expect their members should live up to.  It's pretty easy to find the rules, and if you agree, then you can send a request to join.

A Little Late

I am extremely thankful for the latest statement by the church about homosexuality.  In case your facebook newsfeed isn't as Mormon or as gay as mine (to find out, check the ads on your news feed.: if you have ads for ldssingles.com and gay online dating sites, congrats yours is as Mormon and as gay as mine), then I'll update you.  Basically the church released a statement that said that they are in support of anti-discrimination laws for LGBT as long as there are laws made to support religious freedom.
Mixed in was a lot of talk about how the doctrine of marriage that the church holds will remain unchanging. Then the rest of the conversation was the routine stuff.  Although I don't feel like the church repeating it's stance on gay marriage deserved the hype it got, I am really happy that there is effort being made on the side of the church to be more understanding.

Doing it Right

I came out to one of my REALLY Mormon friends last Thursday.  She laughed for two minutes after I told her I was gay, because she thought I was joking.  When she finally realized I was telling the truth, there was a really uncomfortable moment where her mouth was just hanging open. When she finally got herself pulled together, we talked for the next half hour about my experience.  I could tell she hated the idea, but she was trying her best to love me.  She was bothered.  She has beliefs that contradict what I was saying, and I could see her holding firm to what she truly believed, but working really hard to love me, because we're friends.
There was an amazing moment when I dropped her off at her house, where she just told me, "I love you, and I always love you.  That doesn't mean that I can encourage you in this, because it's not what I believe, but I'll be happy as long as you are happy."
There was not attempt to missionary me, to preach repentance, to change me.  It was just a simple declaration of love, and honest communication.  She's a pretty great human.

Not to Rant... But

One of the most frustrating things people in the LDS church say is that they understand gay people, when they clearly don't.  Perhaps my favorite of these has come up several times recently with the church's recent statements about homosexuality.  When asked about gay individuals living a celibate lifestyle, there's a response that really irritates me.  It goes something along the lines of, "Many people won't get the chance to marry in this life, same-sex attraction isn't different from those circumstances."
No. No. No.  It is different, and don't try and pretend that it's not.  Even if individuals don't get the chance to marry in this life, they're allowed to imagine the perfect person coming in, and taking them away from their life of miserable solitude.  It's not the same for gay Mormons. My image of a happy marriage is me and a husband working things out together.  Until recently, every time that image would come to mind, I would be attacked by waves of guilt and regret.  Single heterosexual people who simply cannot get married don't experience that, because when the human tendency to escape into dreamland comes, there is no guilt attached to fantasies of marriage, because it is what the church asks them to do. It's different, so don't try and pretend that it's not.
Rant over.

A Wedding

Like the stereotypical gay man, I kinda love weddings.  Yesterday was my older brother's wedding, and I could get into the sentimentality of it all, because it was great to see him and my brand new sister so happy together, but since this a forum for thoughts of a gay Mormon I wanted to talk about a more Mormony topic.
The last time I was in the temple was just under a year ago. I went back to California for spring break, and got to see my first convert from my mission get sealed to his family.  I was expecting some experience that would convince me that the temple sealing was for me.  What I felt was the opposite.  It was great to see a family so happy, but I realized that I would never be that happy in that situation.  It was heartbreaking at the time, because I wanted so badly to be a normal Mormon, but I realized that I just wasn't.
When I got home from spring break, my temple recommend expired, and I made the decision to just let it go.  When my brother got engaged, I thought about going and trying to get it renewed, but it just didn't feel right anymore.
Yesterday as I was sitting in the waiting room, I reflected on whether or not I felt like I was missing out on something. My whole family was in the sealing room witnessing the marriage of one of my best friends, and I was absent. I should have been bitter, but I wasn't.  Instead I was replaying the beautiful moment I had the night before, where I was lying on the couch, resting my head on another man's shoulder, and holding his hand, and I realized that I preferred those feelings to any I've ever felt in the temple.