Wedding Pictures

We're frozen in green and silver.
My middle brother stands in the center, black tux, green vest,
His constant scowl absent, replaced by wide smile,
His eyes fixed on his new wife, off-camera, stunning.

On his right stands my sister, silver dress, hair pulled back,
Her eyes watching her children as they run wild,
Off-camera with Gramma and Granddad.

On the groom's other side, our oldest brother has his
Arms crossed across his chest, half-smile,
His green shirt and silver tie identical to mine.

I stand farthest from the groom, on the other side of our brother.
Towering over the family, tight pants and crooked glasses.
My eyes fixed on the camera, smile almost real.

Each of them has a family outside this picture.
Husbands, wives, sons, and daughters.

The picture can't depict the jealousy.
As we stand in our wedding clothes,
It's easy to fake a smile, force a laugh.

I try and picture my own wedding.
Two tuxes, two grooms, two unhappy families.
Two mothers with broken hearts.

This is the last wedding where their smiles will be real.
The last wedding with the white dress.
The last wedding inside this church.

We're all aware, and we stand happy to be together.
The picture captures that, and the moment looks flawless.
But there is fear waiting just outside the frame.

Random Lessons I Have Learned Lately

There's a lot that I want to say, but my mind is spinning though a thousand subjects at once so I'm gonna brain-dump on this entry.

• If the moment is perfect, than take the leap. If you find yourself slow dancing in the moonlight with an incredible human, to the perfect song, with your foreheads mashed together, just kiss.  Just do it.
• Learn to forgive. Learn to apologize.  Often times you'll have to do both at the same time, so just learn to do both.
• First impressions are often wrong.  That douchy frat-bro is actually really funny, and we're friends now... I was wrong.
• Ask for what you want.  If you want to go dancing, ask to go dancing.  If you want to watch your favorite movie with one of your favorite people, ask to do that. There's no harm in asking.
• Conversely, respect when people say no.  Your friend doesn't want to audition with you for that musical.  Then respect that, and don't push her.
• Look for the good in other people, and then TELL them what you see that you like.  If his smile makes you happy every time you see it, tell him. 
• Don't be afraid to do the unfamiliar.  My best friend and I went to a Presbyterian church this Sunday, and we loved it, and the people were incredibly nice.  It was a first for both of us, but we loved it.
• Be honest with your friends.  When you end up at a dinner with that one friend who knows everything about you, and a bunch of strangers, you and your friend can talk about how cute one of the guys was after the dinner.
• Spend time reaching out to people you love.  Everyone needs to know that they are valued, so why not be someone who helps other people realize that.
• I have the greatest family. They were nice, a little guarded, but overall nice when I brought home a guy to Easter dinner.  I was pleased and impressed by them.
• Be willing to hear what your friends have to say when a relationship is starting, and listen to them. Most of the time they've got your best interest at heart, without the hormones going.  They'll tell you if what they see is good and bad.  I've heard both now.

General Conference

I might not be the best voice for General Conference, and yet I feel like there are a few notes about Conference on this blog. Oh, and before I start those notes, let me just explain what General Conference is, and if you already know, just move on.  General Conference is a church-wide gathering for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  There are five two hour sessions broadcast across the world where the leaders of the church expound on the doctrine of the church and encourage the members across the world to endure.
The first thing I want to say about conference is that if anyone didn't know about the church's stance on marriage, they would have understood it by the end of the first talk on marriage.  By the time we reached the seventh one I personally felt like the point had been beaten much like the famed dead horse. (Oh, and in case you did miss the first, or the second, or the seventh talk on marriage, the church's stance is that it's between a man and woman).
Second, and much less sarcastic, as much as I have issues with some things in the church, I felt like the people who went to conference to vote opposed to the prophet were kind of rude.  I believe entirely that members of the church should have the freedom to state what they believe and feel.  But I also believe that there's a time and place to state beliefs, and there's also a need to be respectful when doing exactly that.  Conference is not the place. There are a lot of LDS individuals who look forward to that experience for comfort and peace, because being LDS is hard, and it's nice to have an assurance that you're not alone.  Going into a conference with the purpose of contradicting is rude.  Please don't do that.
Third, there are still some aspects I majorly love.  I loved the focus on the Savior on Sunday.  I was really happy that Easter and conference coincided so that there was more of a focus on Jesus Christ during the Sunday sessions.
Forth, my family rocks.  I mean, we're a family, so there's definitely negative things about us as well, but I just enjoy spending conference weekend with my parents.  My mom seems more calm, my dad values the time we go to Priesthood Session (Saturday evening session, specifically for the men) together, and I enjoy getting to watch my parents enjoy something that they value so deeply.  It makes them more human, and the more human things become the more I love them.

Awakening

Yesterday, while I was at work, I decided that  I wanted to listen to the talks given in the women's session of General Conference.  It was one of the strangest experiences I've ever had with General Conference.  From the point of middle school up until last October I have always looked forward to General Conference for guidance and spiritual reassurance, and I've never been disappointed.

Before I go further, let me just explain that General Conference is a world-wide broadcast for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  It happens twice a year, once in October and once in April.  The leaders of the church spend months preparing speeches that they feel will be relevant and comforting to the members of the church throughout the world.  

Anywho, while I was listening to the women's session there were a lot of talks focused on the LDS church's definition of the family, you know the whole mom + dad + 4 to 12 children.  I've heard this before, but I while listening, I realized that I  was actually disagreeing with things I was hearing, which I knew was a thing, but I had never realized this while listening to Conference.  

I honestly don't know why this moment was such a big deal to me, because I've known for a while that I don't agree with all of the LDS doctrine, but in that moment as I was listening to it in a setting that had always been a source of comfort, it was more real that I have major differences in opinion with the church.

Not Alone (Round 2)

One of the biggest reasons I want to blog about being a gay Mormon is because in my experience it can feel extremely isolated and lonely.  A part of me wishes that I could just reach through my computer screen and hug all of my fellow gay Mormons, and tell them it's going to be okay.  But then I realize that I am really introverted, and I don't actually know you, and as much as I want to comfort you, I don't know you, so it might be weird to just hug you... So, the next best thing is just to tell you with words that you aren't alone.
One of my best friends (who also happens to be a gay Mormon) told me about how much he struggled shortly after his mission, and how this video helped him at that point.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ym0jXg-hKCI
I know that I've already made a blog post about how if you're a gay Mormon, you aren't alone, but I wanted to repeat that point. You are not alone.

Marriage

                “So, do you think we should break up?” I don’t want to say the words, but they slip out of my mouth anyway.

                “I just don’t see myself getting married,” he says.  “I used to, but I gave that dream up.”

                “Why?” I know I sound desperate.  I am.

                “I just don’t think I need it to be happy.”

***

                My parents aren’t exactly what you would call happy.  My dad has a porn addiction.  He’s been working on it their entire marriage, but every single time he slips up, my mom takes it personally and goes into her downward spiral of self-blame and depression.  I didn’t know any of this until my sister told me a couple months after my mission, but it’s happened about four times a year since they were married.  She didn’t know until after the temple sealing was done. 

                It’s not just the porn addiction either.  They see the world in totally different ways.  When my mom found out I was gay she took it upon herself to ‘fix’ me.  It was her job to talk it out and to somehow convince me that I wanted to be Mormon more than I wanted to be gay.  When my dad found out, he told me he would love me no matter what, and hugged me.  My mom blames him, because he’s ‘encouraging’ me to be gay.

                It’s not that I want my parents to get divorced.  I love having parents that are together, it makes things less complicated.  I don’t want step-siblings or step-parents.  I don’t want to have to choose which parent to visit; I don’t want to have to have awkward moments at my future wedding.  I’ll admit that’s selfish, but they can be happy sometimes

***

                “I’m getting so tired of kissing Gary,” my sister says.

                She and I are alone in my car on a weekend road trip.  Both of us just need to get the hell out of Cache Valley. 

                “Why?” I ask.

                “After ten years of marriage, it just feels expected,” she replies.  “I miss when it was romantic.”

***

                I shouldn’t want to get married.  All I hear about it is that it takes so much work.  I’ve watched my sister and her husband from the point where they were that newlywed couple, who you were embarrassed to be seen with in public, to the point where some days I wonder if they’ll make it.  I’m pretty sure he cheated on her a few years ago.  It’s never really been said directly, but my mom has only now started to like him again, and I remember the summer when my sister wouldn’t even talk to her husband, because he had hurt her so deeply.

                Between my sister’s marriage and my parents’ marriage, I’m pretty terrified that Andersons are not meant to get married.

                I can’t get over it though.  I know it takes work, I know sometimes even with work the marriage itself just doesn’t work.  I get it; I understand why I’m supposed to be cynical and anti-marriage.  I know why I’m supposed to love my life as a bachelor.  But I can’t.  I try, and I’ll admit that I have a damn good life as the single man that I am.

                But I imagine waking up next to a man that I love, ever single morning.  I imagine having someone who is my go to when the world falls down around me.  I imagine being able to fall into his arms, and remember that no matter what I have him.  I imagine being that pillar for someone else, being able to hold him in my arms, to wipe away his tears.  I imagine raising children together, and making a thousand mistakes along the way, but having someone there to help me be a better dad than I could be alone.

                Maybe Andersons aren’t meant to get married. But then again, maybe we’re just stubborn enough that we are.  

Defining Moment

I woke up every morning of my freshman year of college hating myself.  This habit continued for two years.  Every morning I woke up and realized that my life would be nothing like the fairy tale that I felt like I had been promised. I was never going to have the temple wedding that I was supposed to be aiming for.  I would eventually end up telling my parents that I was gay, and I would have to see the heartbreak splattered across their faces.

I remember rolling out of bed on my mission one morning and realizing that no matter how hard I tried I was going to end up failing, and I wanted to give up.  I knelt and tried anyway, and I began to pray, but the words just wouldn't come.  I tried to pray for the people I was teaching, for my family, for anyone else besides me. I tried to pray for the people who deserved blessings, rather than the monster that was just pretending like he belonged in California teaching others about God.  

But the words couldn't come.  All of my words were drowned in the ocean of self-hate that I had spent the past two years filling.  I was here teaching strangers that God loved them, and I really felt it for them.  But on that day I realized how jealous I was of them and the love that God had for them.  

I don't know how I got up the courage to ask the question, but after a few minutes of just kneeling, struggling to think of anything to say to God, I asked it.

"Do you love me?"

I felt it.  That feeling that Mormons are always trying to describe. It always sounds too good to be true when they describe it.  Some of them will say warmth. Others describe it as chills.  About eighty percent of them will start crying when they describe it.  The other twenty percent just get that dreamy far off look as they try to describe how how they feel.  

It was security.  I wasn't ever safe in my own hands, and suddenly I felt like I had been taken away from myself and placed in the hands of someone who would soothe me.  I felt that despite the fact that I was gay I was loved and worth protecting.

Suddenly I became one of those Mormons that tried to describe that feeling, and all I could do was repeat the maddening cliches.  

I'm not saying that this happens for everyone.  I don't know why it happened for me.  All I can really say about it is that there was this weird assurance that I didn't need to hate myself anymore.  I didn't know where my life was going still, and I was not attracted to the next girl I saw, or the one after, or any of the other thousands of females I have seen since this moment.  But in that moment I caught a glimpse of what self-love felt like.

The hatred didn't just disappear forever.  It always creeps back, but I have this moment that I remember of pure complete love consuming me, and it's what I cling too when I'm almost drowned in self-hatred.  I know what it feels like to love myself, and it's a flawless feeling.  

Child of God

"We should not underestimate or overlook the power of the Lord's tender mercies.  The simpleness, the sweetness, and the constancy of the tender mercies of the Lord will do much to fortify and protect us in the troubled times in which we do now and will yet live.  When words cannot provide the solace we need or express the joy we feel, when it is simply futile to attempt to explain that which is unexplainable, when logic and reason cannot yield adequate understanding about the injustices and inequeites of life, when mortal experience and evaluation are insufficient to produce a desired outcome, and when it seems that perhaps we are so totally alone, truly we are blessed by the tender mercies of the Lord and made mighty even unto the power of deliverance.  Some individuals who hear or read this message may discount or dismiss in their personal lives the availability of the tender mercies of the Lord.  We may falsely think such blessings are reserved for other people who appear to be more righteous or who serve in visible Church callings.  I testify that the tender mercies of the Lord are available to all of us and that the Redeemer of Israel is eager to bestow such gifts upon us." -David A. Bednar
Sometimes I wonder why I still claim to be a Mormon.  Sometimes it really hurts given my sexual orientation.  Sometimes I don't want to go to church anymore.  That's a thing.
But sometimes something beautiful like this is said, and I realize the reason that I hold onto the Mormon church is because I've been taught something there that resonates with me.  There's this fundamental truth in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints that we are children of God.  God is literally our father, and as such, he loves us.  Maybe I love that so much because I'm arrogant and I love the fact that some all-powerful being is looking over me and has a personal interest in my life.  Maybe I love that idea because I'm so incredibly insecure, and it's comforting to know that even though sometimes I look at my life and realize that it is a complete and total mess, there's a God above who still loves me.
Whatever it is about that knowledge it's a powerful influence in my life.  I will forever be thankful for that belief that is a part of my character now.  No matter where my life takes me from here, I am and will forever be thankful for the belief that I am a son of God.

Love Yourself Loudly

"When he decides he doesn't love you, move on quietly and love yourself loudly."
This quote showed up on my Tumblr recently, and (in as cliched a way as I can say this) it really spoke to my soul.  Almost a month ago I went through a breakup with a guy I saw a future with, and it hurt.  I got really melodramatic about it, to the point where my boss walked in on me lying on the floor of my custodial closet listening to Sara Barielles and sobbing.  My boss was nice about it, because generally I'm a pretty good employee, but it was not my finest moment.
For several weeks after the breakup I kept trying to make myself a part of his life.  He told me he still wanted to be friends, and I wanted to do everything I could to be friends with him.  I wanted to do everything I could to make sure that someday he would take me back, and we would have that future together that I wanted so badly.
That life doesn't work for me though.  Breaking up sucks.  Losing a future that looked REALLY good sucks.  Getting found by your boss in the fetal position staring at an iPhone screen while Sara Barielles warbles about a former lover keeping Manhattan sucks.  But it sucks worse sitting on a couch with a man who has been physically closer to you than any other human in your life and realizing that the two of you will never be that close again.  It sucks worse having someone who used to look at you with that cheesy chick-flick face (the one where the guy realizes he loves the girl, and the audience all sighs, you know the one) not even be able to meet your eyes.
So I decided to move on quietly.  Walk away. Put the phone down.  Go out with my friends.  Go to concerts. Go on roadtrips. Make new friends.  Reconnect with old friends.  And in the moving on quietly I learned something incredible.
I learned that I am resilient. I can come back from being the broken heap on a custodial closet floor and stand up and be the man dancing around at a Jason Mraz concert.  I can be the man who is there when his friends break down with ice cream in hand and a shoulder to cry on.  I can be the man who gets lost in a good book, and at the end feels a sense of total catharsis with the world.  It's beautiful. And when I learned that I am this man, I learned what it means to love myself loudly.

If you want my opinion (and you're reading my blog, so I assume you do), the hardest part about being a gay Mormon is dating.  First of all, let's talk about finding someone to date.  There are ways, I've heard of Tinder and Grindr, although I will never use them, and I know social groups exist to help gay people meet, but it can be hard to find someone, but even so, the dating pool is smaller than the straight dating pool.

Then let's say you actually do find someone, now you have to go through the checklist: Are you attracted to each other? Are you compatible? Do you have similar feelings about dating, marriage, and sex?  Are you both comfortable with people knowing you're in a relationship?  Can you communicate? Are there complications that will eventually get in the way of the relationship? There are a lot of very different opinions and very different individuals who are all swirled together in the LGBT community.

I don't want to sound depressing, because I believe in love.  I have this (possibly crazy) belief that two people can find each other, and can make it work, but it takes a ton of communication, and a huge amount of honesty and humility.

I haven't found it yet, but I keep having this hope wake up inside of me that someday I will.

Names

In class the other day, we sat in a circle and discussed an essay that one of my classmates wrote.  She's a quiet girl, she sits on the opposite side of the class, and I literally had never noticed her until I read her essay.  It was a beautifully realistic piece on the feelings that come when you end up having some spiritual dissonance happening in your life. She wrote about doubts she had about the Mormon (oops, I meant LDS faith)  I basically devoured it, and wrote a little love letter at the bottom of her essay, where I may or may not have included the words "You go Glen Coco" twice...
But then I forgot that we're in Utah... Silly me.
There were a few other students who were offended by the fact that she chose to use the word "Mormon" rather than "LDS." The rest of the class period was lost on a debate about the name of the religion, rather than a useful constructive discussion of a fellow student's essay.
I left the class fuming, which is rare for me.  I still don't know exactly why, except that I have this streak of empathy for the little guy who has to challenge common-held beliefs. I guess what made me so angry is that someone in the majority can get offended by a minority voice, but never takes the time to worry that they ever hurt anyone in the minority.

Oh Honey... I'm Gay

My mom wasn't shocked when I told her I was gay.  That doesn't mean that she didn't try and argue to prove that I wasn't gay, but she wasn't surprised.  Her number one argument was this, "But Shaun, there are so many girls who are in love with you."

This was a valid response.  I was quite popular with the ladies in middle school... and high school... and college... and basically throughout my entire life. One of the unfortunate side effects of being in the closet is that some people don't have exceptional gaydar, so they're blissfully unaware of the fact that their feminine charms are rather ineffective.

Here's the thing, I'm a nice guy.  At least, I like to think I am.  I can listen pretty well, and I try to be as loyal as people will let me be.  I like to think that I'm the perfect GBF. I'll gossip, I'll watch the chick flicks, and get just as into them as any female.  My problem is, when it comes to people I meet at church, I "forget" to mention the tiny little fact that I'm gay.  It's not like it's something that you want to bring up in the first conversation with everyone you ever meet.

Friendly girl at church: "Hi, my name is Tabitha,"

Me: "Oh hi, I'm gay... Oh, I mean Shaun."

See, it just doesn't work.  My problem, is I go to church to worship God. I'm not on the prowl to find a wife. I'm literally never on the prowl for a wife.  Girl's sense this and get excited, because I'm not one of those guys.  I don't feel the need to reference missionary leadership positions I held or use any other cheap ploy to attract a mate, because most LDS wards don't have a lot of gay men who are going to church and looking for a partner.  It just doesn't work that way...

Anyway, all I'm trying to say is that sometimes I'm a jerk, and I accidentally lead people on. Sorry ladies.

Lessons Learned

Background: Had my first real break-up. I feel like anything I write will be cliche, and won't actually adequately express anything. So instead I wanted to write a list of things I learned.

*It's okay to feel what you feel.  It sounds cliche (this is awkward, because I wanted to avoid cliche) and after-school-specialy (I made that word up), but it's true.  Understand that what you feel is valid.

*Some writing isn't meant for other humans to read.  Write it anyway.  Put it on the page, and give yourself the chance to see your soul.

*Love can hurt like hell.  It smarts, it stings, it bites, it gnaws away at you, but somehow it's worth it.

*Don't lose yourself in the discovery of someone to love.  Have your own life, have your own space, be a complete human.

*If it hurts, it's because it mattered.  He was my first kiss, he was the first person I saw a real future with.  It hurts.  

*Don't let the fear of getting hurt keep you away from something that you believe will make you happy. Yeah, I hurt, but I wouldn't trade away the time that we had together.

*Communication is so important. That's all.

*Surround yourself with good people.  Sometimes we forget that life is beautiful, but good friends can bring that beauty back.

A Good Bishop

I want to spend some time talking about my ward (that's my local congregation).  I need to start by saying a couple of things.  First, I am incredibly lucky to be in this ward.  Second, I can't accurately describe it, but I'm going to try.  The reason I want to explain it, is just because I feel like there are some really good things going on this ward, and I hope people can learn from it.

My ward has a large number of people who are pretty understanding about homosexuality.  When our bishop was first called to our ward I was the first person to approach him and talk about my sexual identity.  He took it under his wing, and gave me all sorts of counsel that he felt like would help me 'fix' the issue.  Although that bothered me, there was never judgment, just encouragement, and when I decided to stop going to church the entirety of fall semester, he never chased me down, he just gave me my space, and trusted me to make decisions for myself.  I'm thankful for that.  

I think one thing that's helped him figure things out is that there are a total of eleven gay men in my ward.  You read that right, there are eleven of us.  After I went to him, and then dropped off the face of the earth, he got the chance to try to help a parade of gay men following me.  I kind of feel sorry for the guy, but I feel like if anything will change it will come as more of us band together and speak out about homosexuality.  

That wasn't a super deep description of the ward, but I'll probably describe how different people have responded in later blog posts.

In summary, I wanted to make a list of things that my bishop did that helped me personally.  He gave me the chance to talk about the issue, and offered to help in whatever way he could. There was no judgment when I said that I was gay, there was no heavy sigh, no wide-eyed look of shock, he just took it.  I appreciated that.  He asked questions. He wanted to know where I stood, what I believed, why I believed what I believed, and how he could help me.  The fact that he spent time being genuinely interested in me, my mind, and my heart, helped me develop a trust in him as a bishop.

The second major thing that he did was leave me alone.  When I decided to stop coming to church, he didn't show up at my house to talk it out.  He never sent the Elders' Quorum President after me.  I was never a referral that he handed out to the missionaries.  I was never assigned the power combo hometeachers. I was left alone, and I appreciate that, because any push to get me back to church would have pushed me further away from the church.  This needed to be my own journey, and he was smart enough to leave it to me to take that journey alone.  

Not Alone.

I've been reflecting a lot lately on my path as a gay Mormon, and I've realized that I need to address something.  The biggest thing that has brought me peace and helped me accept and love who I am is an assurance that I am not alone.  There are other people out there who have similar struggles, feelings, and ideas.
I don't want to sound preachy, or cliche, or anything like that, I just want anyone who reads this who might be in a similar position to know that you are not alone.  All of us have our own very personal experiences, that no one else can really understand.  However, even while I say that, there are some very real feelings that come when someone has to come to terms with being gay and being Mormon.  There's this feeling of self-loathing that comes, because you're whole life you've been taught that homosexuality is an abomination, and as hard as you try, it doesn't go away.  There's a feeling of isolation, because you have to watch everyone around you focus on marriage and family-rearing, and you realize that that might not ever be an option for you.  There's constant fear, because sometimes people will turn their backs on you, and that hurts.  There's loneliness, because there's the dream of having a real love in your life, but a fear that it will never actually happen.
Know that you aren't alone.  It might seem like it right now, but hold on, because there is an army of us, and we are in this together.

Here are some resources that could help:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/35272941983/ - This is a facebook group called Affirmation.  It's for people in the LGBT community who have varying relationships with the LDS church.  You have to request to become a member, but the people here are accepting of everyone, no matter how firmly you might be trying to be Mormon.
https://www.facebook.com/groups/NorthStarMembership/ - This is a facebook group called North Star.  It's a lot more of the LDS route.  They encourage their members to stay celibate or work toward marrying a woman.  You also have to request to become a member of the group here, and they have a list of rules that they expect their members should live up to.  It's pretty easy to find the rules, and if you agree, then you can send a request to join.

A Little Late

I am extremely thankful for the latest statement by the church about homosexuality.  In case your facebook newsfeed isn't as Mormon or as gay as mine (to find out, check the ads on your news feed.: if you have ads for ldssingles.com and gay online dating sites, congrats yours is as Mormon and as gay as mine), then I'll update you.  Basically the church released a statement that said that they are in support of anti-discrimination laws for LGBT as long as there are laws made to support religious freedom.
Mixed in was a lot of talk about how the doctrine of marriage that the church holds will remain unchanging. Then the rest of the conversation was the routine stuff.  Although I don't feel like the church repeating it's stance on gay marriage deserved the hype it got, I am really happy that there is effort being made on the side of the church to be more understanding.

Doing it Right

I came out to one of my REALLY Mormon friends last Thursday.  She laughed for two minutes after I told her I was gay, because she thought I was joking.  When she finally realized I was telling the truth, there was a really uncomfortable moment where her mouth was just hanging open. When she finally got herself pulled together, we talked for the next half hour about my experience.  I could tell she hated the idea, but she was trying her best to love me.  She was bothered.  She has beliefs that contradict what I was saying, and I could see her holding firm to what she truly believed, but working really hard to love me, because we're friends.
There was an amazing moment when I dropped her off at her house, where she just told me, "I love you, and I always love you.  That doesn't mean that I can encourage you in this, because it's not what I believe, but I'll be happy as long as you are happy."
There was not attempt to missionary me, to preach repentance, to change me.  It was just a simple declaration of love, and honest communication.  She's a pretty great human.

Not to Rant... But

One of the most frustrating things people in the LDS church say is that they understand gay people, when they clearly don't.  Perhaps my favorite of these has come up several times recently with the church's recent statements about homosexuality.  When asked about gay individuals living a celibate lifestyle, there's a response that really irritates me.  It goes something along the lines of, "Many people won't get the chance to marry in this life, same-sex attraction isn't different from those circumstances."
No. No. No.  It is different, and don't try and pretend that it's not.  Even if individuals don't get the chance to marry in this life, they're allowed to imagine the perfect person coming in, and taking them away from their life of miserable solitude.  It's not the same for gay Mormons. My image of a happy marriage is me and a husband working things out together.  Until recently, every time that image would come to mind, I would be attacked by waves of guilt and regret.  Single heterosexual people who simply cannot get married don't experience that, because when the human tendency to escape into dreamland comes, there is no guilt attached to fantasies of marriage, because it is what the church asks them to do. It's different, so don't try and pretend that it's not.
Rant over.

A Wedding

Like the stereotypical gay man, I kinda love weddings.  Yesterday was my older brother's wedding, and I could get into the sentimentality of it all, because it was great to see him and my brand new sister so happy together, but since this a forum for thoughts of a gay Mormon I wanted to talk about a more Mormony topic.
The last time I was in the temple was just under a year ago. I went back to California for spring break, and got to see my first convert from my mission get sealed to his family.  I was expecting some experience that would convince me that the temple sealing was for me.  What I felt was the opposite.  It was great to see a family so happy, but I realized that I would never be that happy in that situation.  It was heartbreaking at the time, because I wanted so badly to be a normal Mormon, but I realized that I just wasn't.
When I got home from spring break, my temple recommend expired, and I made the decision to just let it go.  When my brother got engaged, I thought about going and trying to get it renewed, but it just didn't feel right anymore.
Yesterday as I was sitting in the waiting room, I reflected on whether or not I felt like I was missing out on something. My whole family was in the sealing room witnessing the marriage of one of my best friends, and I was absent. I should have been bitter, but I wasn't.  Instead I was replaying the beautiful moment I had the night before, where I was lying on the couch, resting my head on another man's shoulder, and holding his hand, and I realized that I preferred those feelings to any I've ever felt in the temple.

My Stance

I posted this on another blog, but I feel like this is a really good way of explaining where I stand in my beliefs.
I remember when I was thirteen.  I had spent the better part of the fall months making the perfect Christmas list.  It was long enough that my parents had options. I had starred my favorites, in a hope that it would make my parents think more about those options.  I had even spent time researching my favorite authors to find other books that they had written. It was going to be the best Christmas ever. I was expecting a mountain of Jack Weyland (gotta love the romance books), one or two classics (I'm super thankful that my Louisa May Alcott phase has died out), and my very own copy of Harry Potter: Order of the Phoenix (no matter how many people fight me on this, I will always say this is the greatest book in the series).
Before I continue, understand that I'm the youngest child in my family, and like many other youngest children, I went through a very big entitlement phase. Please don't judge me for what I'm about to describe.
There were books under the tree, wrapped up for me.  I couldn't contain my excitement, as I ripped the paper off, only to discover this:

The Jimmy Fincher Saga.  I'm not gonna do a review on it, because I'm afraid old James Dashner will find it, and will be sadly disappointed.  As a writer myself, I understand how much heart and soul can go into a piece, and I don't want to damage that.  All I can say is that for me, they were a one time read.
I was devastated. I knew what I wanted.  I had even explained to my parents what I wanted. What was the purpose of making a Christmas list, if I was going to be given some poorly written drivel (sorry James Dashner), instead of the glorious books I wanted (Sidenote: In all fairness, Jack Weyland isn't some linguistic genius either.  He's pretty campy too, but I was a sucker for the cheestastic romances)?  Still, I read the ENTIRE series.  Two things motivated me. The first was the thought that if I didn't appreciate what I had been given, then my parents would feel justified in calling Christmas off the next year.  The second, was a hope that somewhere, something redeemable would reveal itself inside these books (unfortunately, I was disappointed).
My purpose in writing this, was not to review this series.  If you don't believe that it's not the best, go read it. My real purpose was a thought that occurred to me tonight, that is demonstrated by this story.
My parents wanted me to be happy that Christmas.  They always do. I know, because they love me, and I also was able to see the disappointment in my mom's face, when she found out that I wasn't happy with what she thought I wanted.  She had tried hard. She had wanted to surprise me, and she had read reviews of the series as well as the Christmas list that I had composed.  She knew what I liked. She knew me.  She honestly thought that this was something that would be good for me, and would make me happy.  After I had finished them, she read them too.
What I have to say about the series, is nicer than the things my mother would say about it.  She hated it.  I don't honestly know what motivated her to finish the series, but she did, and at the end she apologized, we sold them, and spent the money on a book hat had been originally on my list.
Okay, here's the point of this whole rambling story.  Sometimes, I feel like religion is this way.  I'm not trying to be blasphemous.  It's just an honest thought I had tonight.  I feel like, sometimes religious people have this thought that they know me, and because they know me, they know exactly what will make me happy.  They aren't trying to be hurtful or trying to disappoint me.  They honestly think that what they have to offer, will make me happy.  It's selfish of me to not see that.  However, from my point of view, sometimes I feel like what they have to offer is once again the Jimmy Fincher Saga, when what I really wanted was the best book in the greatest series of my generation (I'm talking about Order of the Phoenix).
And here's where I bring up 'the gay' again.  So many people have told me that the way for me to truly be happy is to marry a woman, and to live that life, even when I explain to them that what I really feel like will make me happy is a totally different path.  I'm not trying to sound selfish. I understand that people think that this really will make me happy. They think that when I experience traditional family life, the temporary disappointment of losing what I thought I wanted, will be cured when I find out how happy I am.  But I don't think that.  All I see is Jimmy Fincher, surely satisfying to some, but not what I asked for, and not really what I want, even potentially filled with disappointment, and frustration.

Preview

I am a gay Mormon. 
Boy does it feel nice to get that off my chest. I don't expect you to pity me. Nor do I expect to praise me and tell me how brave I am.  I have wallowed around in enough self-pity to be totally over that whole "pity me" thing, and I pat myself on the back enough for my courage, that I'm pretty sure I've got a permanent bruise. So we'll skip past all the initial reactions that a vast majority of individuals have had when I made the decision to come out to them. Trust me, it's easier this way.
Let me make this clear up front, I'm writing this blog to increase understanding, because there's a lot of varied viewpoints when it comes to the concept of gay Mormons. I don't claim that mine is the right way, and I admit that I have literally zero authority to speak for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons).  What I'm going to write, has only the authority of my thoughts, my feelings, my experiences, and my beliefs.
I'm writing this blog, because I feel like understanding comes as we take the time to listen to one another, and get to know one another on a personal level. I hope that as I write, I'll be able to make this personal enough that maybe someone somewhere can read what I have to say, and have their heart or mind open, and be able to be a little bit more understanding toward gay Mormons.